I'm Still OK

When I took this (blurry, 8 megapixel, digital camera- fancy!) picture in the middle of Times Square 13 years ago, I thought I could have you told exactly how my life would look in my 30s. I'd probably be coming up on close to a decade of being married. I'd be finished having my 2 or 3 kids, and I'd be married to someone that I'd met towards the end of college.
Here I am, 5 years into my 30s, and none of those things have happened, nor are they even close to happening. You know what though... I'm totally fine with it. When I was 28 I wrote a post called "I'm single. It's ok." and 7 years later, it's still true.

I spent about a year and a half during my twenties hanging out with (and probably in love with) this guy who was never going to reciprocate. Oh sure, we talked about how all that time spent together made me feel, and he said he didn't mean to lead me on, and it stopped... for about a month. Then, when it picked back up again, and he was calling, and I was going to see him, and we were showing up places together, I thought, "well, maybe....?" No. The answer was no. It was never going to happen, and I realized it one weekend when I went to his house and another girl's stuff was there. That was the breaking point. I stopped putting forth effort because I had a feeling that if I did, he would too, and I was right. It was hard though. Oohhhh I was mad at him. I was mad at him for "making me" feel all the things I felt, and for being so great, and so good looking, and such a turd all at the same time.

My feelings (and my pride) were so hurt. My girlfriends and I diagnosed him with "Peter Pan Syndrome" and talked a lot of trash, but 9 years later, I'm sitting here wondering if I might also have some of those very same Peter Pan tendencies. Am I afraid of growing up? Is that what's wrong with me? I thought it might be, but I don't think that's the case. And maybe it wasn't the case with homeboy either, I'll never know.

Sure, there are certain "grown up" things I have yet to do... I'm not married, I don't have kids, but I don't think it's out of an unwillingness, or lack of desire, to do those things. I just think I am still single, and it's still ok. Yeah, there are days that I would vehemently tell you that it is, in fact, NOT ok. I would love to be married and have a partner in life, but I also really enjoy my independence. Here's the thing though, that doesn't make me afraid to grow up or commit to someone else. It also doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me, and it CERTAINLY does not mean you should feel sorry for me. It just means I get to be a little selfish right now. I'll compromise with someone on how we decorate, and what music we listen to in the car when the time is right, but for now, I'm still single, and I'm still ok.